TripAdvisor: We Are Not Making This Up.

Nope, Majorca is closed every February for routine maintenance

From a "report a problem" form someone filled out:

is majorca open in feburary if so where or what places we can visitas we might stay in or around palma

Warning: PG-13 (kiddies, go check out a different website)

A review we didn't publish:

every thing was as your previous reviewers saw it, comfort, location, friendliness. the only problem was ordering a drink from the vast cocktail menu. Included were... a blow job, screaming orgasm, a slippery nipple etc. seeing as the pretty barmaid looked no more than seventeen we opted for gin and tonics so as not to cause the girl offence. picture our alternative order...good evening, would you please give me a blow job, my wife would like to have a screaming orgasm and my father in law fancies a slppery nipple........ I RATHER THINK NOT!!

Because it's Shakespeare's birthday...

A review we didn't publish:

"a drunken metaphor"

From the dark quiet street where i failed to meet
the girl so sweet, francais et petite
I returned to the Inn leaving my campari and gin
for my dream was about to begin
I entered with a hush and was sure not to rush
as I could feel my face was aflush
through the lobby I did crawl
up the stairs I did fall
ending up face to face with the wall
at this point I froze and staightened my nose
then wiped the tears from my cheek
the pain was hell and I wanted to yell
but realized I couldn't speak
for I was in awe of that which I saw
all the work that went into this wall
in a place with such history it remains a mystery
how this art could be lost on us all
the sweat that binds is the kind one can find
between the rocks in the wall in the hall
for every stone there's a tone a shade of grey all its own
for upclose and personal I was shown
built up by hand with intention to stand
for a time you and I can't relate
for it was their duty to create such beauty
everlasting strength so great
"We are building a Nation" he creid
with great pride as he tried to invoke some inspiration
imagine, if you can a man named Dan
whose job is to help plan your vacation
all this you can find, leave your worries behind
you'll be in the hands of the best
if it's comfort your looking trust in your booking
"chez sans soucy" St. Paul ouest
as I approached the door to room 104
I dropped my key on the floor
yet again emptyhanded, feeling somewhat stranded
I reached to where my key landed
as I was about to unlock this treasure
I couldn't help but overhear shrieks of pleasure
it seems that others were at their leisure
it just seemed right to end the night
with a couple enjoying the fruits of their labour
I have to admit I was certainly proud of my neighbor
he definately put the bed to the test
looking to get some rest, I smiled for the guest
i"ll be sure to have a laugh at breakfast

Sadly, another entertainer named Venti Soy Latte would come along and steal T--- away from Capuchino, leaving him both misspelled and heartbroken

A review we didn't publish:

Title: Back for the love of my life

My name is T------ and I returned to this hotel one month after leaving. To reunite with the love of my life. His name is Capuchino and he is an entertainer there at the ------- hotel. For those of you who have been blessed enough to know him and be in his presence, know what an incredible person he is and how fun he is to be around. For those of you thinking of going to this resort, let me tell you not only as Capuchino's girlfriend but just as someone who truly admires who he is, you're trip to this hotel would be worth while just to meat him.

Capuchino and I have not been together very long but we love each other very much. And so I'm so great full that I took my first trip to this hotel. And now I will be moving there from Canada in 3 months to work at the resort and to be with  my one true love Capuchino.

So make this trip to this hotel, enjoy the beaches, the sun and the way of life there, but most of all take time to get to know the people because they will truly impact your life for the better. 

I have made life time friends there and couldn't imagine my life without them. You never know maybe your trip could bring you love too!!

If you see Capuchino tell him about my letter and tell him I said "hi"!!!!!  Oh and I love him so much!!!! Also say hi to Chocolate, Johnathan, Bebeto, Louis, David, and all the dancer's. Just a fiew of the amazing people you will enjoy!! They are tallented and have wonderful hearts, enjoy!!

Next May, it will be sunny and 71 degrees. All day. Every day.

E-mail to TA support:

dear sir my wife and myself are planning a holiday to memphis tennesse for our golden wedding anniversary and would like to know what the weather will be like in may 2008yours Mr D S------

See, every hotel is right for SOMEBODY!

A review:

Calella: H TOP Calella Palace: "Absolute debauchery."
grannah, nottingham Feb 5, 2007

Three of my friends and I decided to brave the Calella Palace for a long weekend at the start of Feb. We were hoping to find that our rooms had paper-thin walls and that we would encounter more than our fair share of mad, English drunks (munks). I am pleased to say we were not disappointed. Breakfast was veeeeeeeeerrrrrrrry goooooood, would definitely reccommend the thick strips of fried fat. I have asked for the recipe and will be attempting to recreate this culinery delight at home. Our rooms were furnished to an extremely high standard; the patio furniture in patricular glides quite aerodynamically through the air, sadly though, we found the picture frame glass to be highly sub-standard; our friends found sleeping amongst shards of glass a to be a risky yet pleasurable experience. My heart goes out to all the non-smoking guests who wouldnt have ventured into the SMOKING bar. The barman in the SMOKING bar was a friendly and charming individual and didnt have hair like a small Lego man. I found his order for me to go to the back of the bar queue until I had finished my cigarette to be completely fair and non-sexist. I wish I had just used my initiative and done it myself first. Time could be spent pondering over the meaning of some of the many safety signs around the complex. Out of the several we managed to identify, the two we found to be of greatest use were 1. Not to step on any crocodiles whilst bare foot, and 2. No ugly, or spotty children to frequent the pool. Over all our stay at the 'Palace' was most enjoyable, the hotel's best feature by far was the rooftop jacuzzi area. I found the panoramic views a little on the dull side but I was absolutely overwhelmed when I came across three long, thick black hairs in the water with me.
Fabulous and unmissable (fissable).

This TripAdvisor Member:
Liked: The diverse mix of English and Scottish council estate inhabitants
Disliked: The hair cuts.

Please vote for TripAdvisor in the Webby Awards!

A momentary departure from our normal snarkiness... if you've got a few minutes, can you head over to http://pv.webbyawards.com and vote for TripAdvisor in the Webby Awards? Look for the Services category-- we're in the Travel subcategory under that. You do have to register-- and we know that's a drag-- but it's not too bad as far as web registration processes go. They just don't want anybody's engineering team to write a script to stuff the ballot box.

The Webbys are billed as the "Oscars of the Web," but they do the Oscars one better in that they limit acceptance speeches to five words. We won last year and said, "Because some hotels really suck!" We'd really love to repeat and say something equally pithy.

The Owl apparently has a kindred spirit at Google!

Hey, Google, can you give us directions from New York to Paris?

Bunch of smarta.... er, smartalecs. We love it. But now, of course, we're all off to jump in the ocean because we want some French fries, Google said it was okay, and, well, if we don't come back everybody knows they've got deep pockets. Bye!

Many thanks to the Owl's MySpace buddy Jennifer for sending this. (Check out the Owl's MySpace page!)

Yes. Hand over your wallet.

An e-mail to our support team:

From: ---------------
To: membersupport@tripadvisor.com
Subject: who is tripadvisor.com

who are you?  i do no need a trip advisor.  are you wanting money?

It's so nice they have an internet connection at the Loony Bin

A review we didn't publish:

I went to the --------- hotel, and the second I got there it felt like I was on drugs. I suddenly grew a pair of wings and a tail! I flew up into the sky and the moon began to chase me... so I escaped and then a dog wanted to know how to get to France, so I explained that you dont want to go at this time of year... because Spain is better. But anyway to cut a long story short, the dog died... Anyway back to the hotel, its location is situated on the moon Ganymede off the planet Jupiter and is so peaceful you would'nt believe that it was voted "Noisiest Water Park" award, back in 1608. These days when you visit the "Police station" you could be arrested. Not to mention what the squirrels that carry out SEXUAL EXPERIMENTS on you! (honestly, those squirrels will do anything with their nuts). By the way, if you see a flying cow called Betty when at the hotel, you win a prize worth over £1 million... Its a Gravy wrestling shetland pony, only bred these days off the southern coast of Fannybread in Pluto. This hotel was the best I have ever visited by far, and since I have visited - I have met Shilpa Shetty!!! Oh and I won the lottery 3 weeks in a row. But yeah, I met Shilpa Shetty...